It’s 4:30am and I just fed Quinley and rocked her back to sleep. I cherish these little moments with her, knowing how long I’ve waited for them and knowing that my daughter, this sweet baby, was meant to come to my arms. It brings me to tears. I often have moments like these when I hold her, but this one is stronger and I wanted to get my words and feelings out before I lost them.
Adoption is beautiful. It is broken and messy and heart-wrenching, but also beautiful and strengthening and filled with a love that I never could have imagined.
From where we sit and rock Quinley in her room, I can see the framed picture of her with her birth parents, and tonight I was reflecting on her birth and the experience we had. It was incredible and I thought I’d share a few pieces.
For those who don’t know, we met her birth parents on October 5th, and were introduced to them through some dear friends of ours. It was all very divinely planned, we have no doubt.
She was due on December 4, 2018, almost 2 months exactly to the day we met them. She didn’t come that day. On December 5th, Kiara and Luke came to our house and played Just Dance, then Kiara went into labor early on Thursday, December 6th. We joke that she danced Quinley out 🙂 We also laugh because when they were leaving the night before, Jason jokingly said, “Bye, see you at the hospital tomorrow at 12:30! Well, we did end up getting to the hospital around noon!
After lots of special time spent together with us and her birth family, Quinley made her entrance to the world at 6:31 p.m.
Jason and I both had the opportunity to be in the room and witness it. It was absolutely the most sacred experience I’ve ever had. There wasn’t a dry eye in the room. I’m so glad we got to be there. For those who may be unfamiliar with adoption/open adoption, this is totally and completely up to the birth mom. She asked us to be there, we felt so honored and grateful. This is not the case with every adoption or situation.
I held Quinley after her first mama and dad had a chance to love on her and take in her perfection. I can’t even describe the feelings I had. It was so surreal knowing that she would be my daughter. But what I felt most was pure gratitude and I was in awe of her first mom. I immediately went and hugged her, with Quinley between us, and we both just cried.
Jason held Quinley next and it was so sweet to watch him stare at her and just take in every little piece of her. I have loved watching him be her dad since that very moment.
We were so lucky to have our own room in the hospital just down the hall from Quinley and her birth parents. That was unexpected and such a wonderful surprise. We spent lots of time with them in their room and them in ours, but we also tried to give them space when we felt we should.
All I will say about the actual moment of placement is that it was one of the sweetest, but also most heart-wrenching moments of my life. The love that I feel for Kiara (Q’s birth mom) is so much more than I could ever put into words. It’s a relationship that I never thought I would have, and a love that is difficult to comprehend until you experience it. She made me a mother. She gave me what I couldn’t give to myself, while making the biggest sacrifice that she will probably ever have to. But she did it with grace and with so much love and selflessness. I love her so much.
I’m so grateful to have such a close relationship with her and that Quinley will always be able to have her and Luke in her life. We see and talk with them often, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. They are family to us and always will be.
As I said before, Adoption is beautiful. It is broken and messy and heart-wrenching, but also filled with a love that I never could have imagined until I experienced it.